Years and years ago, never mind how long, I had little to no money in my purse... Okay, that is actually another person's story...
My story goes like this: Many years ago, I was sitting in my Earth Science class next to two of my very good friends. The teacher, who shall remain nameless, was going over the previous day's homework assignment with the class. I leaned over to my friend to ask him a question about said assignment... I guess our teacher wasn't having a good day.
"ALBERT!" I heard him shout as his hand hit the table next to me.
It got worse from there.
I won't go into detail about everything that was said, there's no way I could remember it all verbatim anyway. The gist of it was: "You will never amount to anything. People won't want anything to do with you." and that everyone will basically think I'm stupid the rest of my life.
At the time, I tried hard not to laugh as the teacher scolded me in front of the entire class so harshly. I wasn't hurt. I thought he was stupid and didn't know anything about me. I didn't take ONE WORD of it to heart... or so I thought.
Throughout not only my teenage years, but to this day, I have fought and struggled against an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy, of unimportance, and worthlessness. I have raged against a need to belong. Not necessarily to the status quo, but to some group of misfits. In my marriage, I am constantly at battle with feelings of being a let down. That I some how keep falling short to a wife I don't deserve. I don't bring home enough money, she doesn't have all the things I think she deserves. I can't afford to take her on vacation somewhere SHE wants to go. ect. ect. EVEN in my faith, I keep finding fault within myself that makes me not good enough.
To this day, I'm haunted by these thoughts. Every crappy job I've had served to remind me that "You will never amount to anything." My failed marriage reminded me that "People won't want anything to do with you." With every little slip of the tongue or brain fart I've ever had there has come an echo that says that everyone will think I'm stupid the rest of my life.
Now, in fairness, not all of these feelings are said teachers fault. Other issues stemming back further than this can be found, I'm sure. I'm also not trying to get sympathy points, but rather, tell a story that someone might be able to relate to and take something from.
The point is that, at some point or another, I BOUGHT THE LIE. I swallowed poison without looking at the label. My faith should have been the thing that released me from the bondage of self doubt. But, as I said before, I didn't feel good enough for my faith.
Until now.
I understand that, despite myself, Yah said that I AM WORTH IT. I AM WANTED. I. AM. LOVED.
From the beginning, Elohim made US in HIS image. And throughout time, He has made every move possible to get us back even when we don't want Him. From Noah to Abraham to Moses and finally to Yeshua, Yah provided a way to save a people that continuously scorned and mocked Him. 2 Peter 3:9 says that He is not willing that ANY should perish.
Hmmm. Let's see. The divine Creator of the universe, The First and the Last, has gone to every extreme for every man. I don't know about you, but I call that an unconditional kind of love.
Yah said through His prophet Jeremiah that He knew us before He formed us in the womb.(Jer 1:5) Why do we let ourselves feel worthless when Yah Himself has gone to such great lengths to tell us that He wants us? Why do I let myself become convinced that I am stupid and will never amount to anything? It was only when I really started digging in to the roots of my faith that these feelings started to shed themselves like old skin. I still fight from time to time. But I'm starting to see more clearly. I understand that we have an enemy who preys on our weaknesses. An enemy who will take every opportunity to knock us down and keep us from our Creator.
Here are some other things I'm starting to understand:
1.) Yah lets me learn. Even through the decisions I've made that have taken me away from Him, He teaches me. And, when He brings me back, I am always closer than I was.
2.) I am a good husband. Granted, I'm not the greatest husband, but people could do a lot worse. I may not be able to buy Lenzey the things I think she deserves, but she never asks for those things. She doesn't need "things" to be happy. I love my wife with everything that I am, and she loves me in the same way. That is why we got married, that is why we have stayed married. While there is always room for improvement, I give her my best as often as I possibly can. She would never ask for more than that.
3.)Yah promised me a place in His creation through the atonement made by His Son. Yeshua said that no man could pluck me from His hand. My worth lies in His promise, not in anything I could do to deserve it. Yah is my strength, and through my weakness is when His might is shown most.
There are many more things that I am learning. I hope to share them with you as they come. My prayer today is that someone reading this will find strength, or at the very least, comfort. Know that you have a Creator that was willing to go as far as to die for you.
That is how much we all are worth.
And that's more than a lot.
One Love,
Albert.
"We’re all just people made out of the same old dirt, and God don’t make any junk.” – Tammy Faye Messner
