Yoohoo, G.I. Joe and self exploration

So I know that no one really reads this crap without promoting, and that's more than ok with me. You see, I'm not really sure what, if anything, I have to say at this point. I just woke up and I'm feeling incredibly introspective and the only thing I can really do is write about it. And Since my wife is still asleep and needs all the rest she can get after her surgery, playing guitar is not an option. So, here I am. Not really sure why at all.

Lenz is going to have a hysterectomy. I'm ok with that. For years now we've been wanting to have our own child but it just wouldn't happen. After two miscarriages and so many false hopes, we will never have our own child. While this does make me sad, I'm still ok with it. I've asked God from day one to do His will, to heal my wife so see can enjoy her life like she should be able to at this age. She's 24 and has spent the majority of her 20's in chronic pain. No one ever believed her, everyone thought "she might be hurting but she can't hurt that bad, she's just being over dramatic." Well, I hope this finally convinces you that it wasn't just "all in her head." and quite frankly, if you were one of those people, screw you. But, I'm getting off point. The fact is, Lenzey and I talked about adoption before we ever talked about marriage. I think when we found out that we might not ever be able to have our own children, it made us jump into trying so hard to have them that we put adoption on the back burner. Years of trial and tribulation followed. And I tell you this, any parent out there who has suffered the loss of a child and still held onto their faith and hope and survived through it, well, they are some of the strongest people God ever breathed life into. They deserve your respect and admiration. I never knew my children, I hadn't even found out that my children where a reality yet before they were gone. It was utterly heart breaking. I still am destroyed by the loss at times. I can't imagine the pain of the expectation before the loss, not to mention the mothers and fathers out there who have developed a relationship with their children, only to have them taken away by disease or worse. God bless you all.

So pain, worry, pain, stress that almost destroyed our marriage, pain and a little more pain, and then... surrender. Finally we came to the point where we just said "alright God, you have a will for our life, and I'm not sure what it is, but I trust that you know what you're doing and I'm giving this to you. If you want us to have our own children than make it happen, in your time. If not, than please take this desire away from us to have our own and put our hearts where they need to be." and then... relief. I knew God would answer my prayer, but I never expected the sense of total peace about the whole thing.

Then came Lenz pre op. The Dr. tells Lenz that if things look really bad in there then he's going to stop the operation and schedule a hysterectomy by robotic surgery, and that he only recommends those in something like 3% of his patients. Immediately I knew that however this turned out was going to be my answer. If the Dr. didn't think Lenz needed a hysterectomy, then we would try IVF, if he did, we weren't meant to have our own. and I accepted that. and still do.

A few nights later, Lenz came to me and pretty much confirmed what I believed. She told me she was finally "at peace" with the idea of not having our own, that she wanted to surrender for God's will in our life. And if that meant that we were to raise someone else's child in a loving, Christ filled home, then so be it.

I won't lie, sometimes the thought that I won't get to see a child that is the product of Lenz and I in this life still breaks my heart. And don't try to tell me that my children weren't really children yet, if I ever did believe that crap, I would've stopped believing it the second they passed, you can't mourn a death if it was never really alive, and my children where alive. But I believe that my children are waiting for me in the next life. I'm grateful that they never had to feel the anxiety, pain and sense of loss that this world has to offer, that, except for the first few weeks, their every moment of existence has been in the arms of their loving creator. I thank God for that every day. More and more as I read the news headlines.

So, there it is. I had no idea what I was sitting down to write about and I apologize if you do read this and have to shift through the randomness that is my mind... and all the grammatical errors. I hope this in some way helps someone, if not, It helped me know what was really going on inside me, it felt good to get it out.

Yours,
Me

hanging out with prostitutes

This was posted on Ethan Luck's web page earlier. Ethan is the drummer for Relient K, and one of my personal music heros. I think this needed to be said and jumped at the chance to maybe let people who wouldn't normally read it to be able to. Sorry It's all slammed together, I posted it from my phone. If you wanna check it out on It's original page, check out ethanluck.com. so, here it is.



I thought You Guys Were Christians! Filed under: Uncategorized — Ethan @ 2:18 pm July 23, 2010 It’s not often that I post something on my blog that will spark deep discussion or debate.  As you know, most of what I post here is related to music and photography, because thats what I do!  I have been reading a bunch of comments on my band’s facebook page regarding our upcoming show with The Gay Blades in NYC.  It really sickens me that there are so many people who instantly think, that because of their band name, we are SO wrong and “not Christian” for playing with them.  Let me show you some of the comments we have been getting, this is just the tip of the iceberg…“What happened to Christian music? These guys certainly arent setting the example I had come to expect from Reliant K. Very dissappointing.”“I thought that You guys are Christians? are you serious? Gay Blades? WTH!!!”“I love Relient K and your ministry but even the name Gay Blades makes me worry if I should continue to let my three teenage kids listen to your music.”“Ewww, gays…. Oh well, you guys just make sure to totally show them up, that’ll teach the gays to ruin a concert”(That last comment really made me sick.) Ok, I think thats enough.  Sickening, isn’t it?  I am constantly blown away by the comments and thoughts of people who claim to believe in the same God I do.  Are The Gay Blades gay?  I don’t know.  Do I care?  Nope.  Would these people have a problem if we were playing with The Happy Blades?  (Def. of Gay – Cheery, Bright & Pleasant).  Regardless of someone’s sexual orientation, color, background, religion, financial status…(the list goes on), I don’t care about those things. The one thing I do care about?  The person.  It’s funny that all the stories of Jesus spending time with the tax collectors, prostitutes and low life’s is so often overlooked.  I guess Jesus must have set a bad example by associating with those people, right?  What was he thinking?!  Haha. Christianity, today, has become SO sheltered.  I have all sorts of friends who people would think I’m crazy or wrong for hanging out with.  Yes, I even have friends who are gay, who often treat me with more respect that some Christians I have encountered.  One of my good friends, who I ride scooters with, is an Atheist.  Yes, an Atheist.  We have had multiple discussions about God and religion and I’m sure the same people from the comments above would be “disappointed” that I even share the same air with him.  He is well educated on multiple beliefs and has chosen not to believe any of them.  So, do I stop being a friend to him?  Never!  He has been a great friend to me and I would take a bullet for him.  I will continue to treat him like I believe Jesus would, with love and respect.  To me, that speaks louder than words in my experiences touring the country for the last 13 years. Ok, back to the current issue.  So what if we play shows with “Non Christian” bands.  I remember getting crap from people for being on Warped Tour, 2 years ago.  Almost every day on that tour, I chose to hang out with bands and crew guys who I knew didn’t believe the same as me.  Why would you do that, Ethan?!  Re-read the comments above.  Thats why.  It’s comments like that that give the rest of us a bad name and make me sick.  So, in conclusion, I am looking forward to our show with The Gay Blades in NYC!  I’m sure those dudes are really cool and I know they are a great band from what I have listened to online.  Regardless of their beliefs, I will show them the utmost respect and love.  If you choose to leave a comment, please keep it respectful and mature. 07/29/10 The Gramercy Theater, NYC Relient K The Cheery, Bright & Pleasant Blades The Narrative Comments

C Minus Christian?

Ok, my first real blog. Chalk full of bad grammar and punctuation.

Johnny Cash once said that he considered himself to be a “C minus Christian”. This got me thinking about what kind of Christian I am, and what kind I would like to be. What kind of grade would I give myself when it all came down to it?

I guess when it really comes down to it, none of us is really the person he/she makes themselves out to be. I know I’m not perfect, but my faith doesn’t rely on my ability to be so. The same free will that was given to Adam was given to me, and, just like Adam, I have decided numerous times that the plan of action that I wanted to take was better than the plan of action God wants me to take. I believe this is where the whole “Not judging others” thing that people love so much to quote really comes into play. I mean, the entire concept of Sin is that we wanted things our way, and consequences be damned. Everyone at one point or another has made the same decision. So what right would we have to judge other people’s sins? I’ll tell you. None. Even though we might have the knowledge that what someone else is doing is wrong, we were just as wrong at one point or another.

Far too often I see, and hear of, these people out on the streets with there Bibles in hand telling people that God hates them for one reason or another. No sign of hope, no option of repentance, just that God hates them and they’re going straight to Hell. All doom and gloom. And, unfortunately, this is the way that most of us Christians are portrayed in the media. Well, I’m here to tell ya folks, God doesn’t hate you, otherwise there wouldn’t be any hope for any of us, and every single person in the history of the world was flawed. Not one single televangelist, Pastor, Priest, Saint or even Billy Graham himself has lived a perfect life. NO ONE!

On top of these doom and glooms, we have the crazy Stephen King Christians that are all Holier than Thou and think that if you don’t follow the same list of rules that they do, you can’t be a Christian. This too, is a ridiculous concept. Not everything is black and white. Granted, a lot of things are, but there’s still plenty of grey area. These people are so focused on the “rules” that they’ve all but lost sight of their relationship with God, which is the single most important aspect of Christianity. Not only do they focus so hard on the “rules”, but they make every attempt to tell you how evil you are for not following their “rules.” You hardly ever hear these people admitting to their personal flaws and often will hear them exploiting other peoples for their own. It Reminds me a lot of the Pharisees praying out loud to and thanking God for not being lowly as the poor around them praying, in order to make themselves look holy.


I have a pretty impressive list of flaws myself. No, I never did drugs and at no point have I ever been unfaithful to my wife, but I do have a mouth like a sailor at times, I did sleep with my wife before we were married, I have drank way too much several times, and the list goes on. For the sake of time and to spare my friends who may have children reading over their shoulders, I’ll stop there. I’m telling these things not so I can be put on a pedestal, but so that I can say I was honest about myself and better make my point. Which is this: I know I’m not a perfect person, but those imperfections are covered through Christ’s blood. Am I ashamed of some of the things I’ve done? Yes, because I have the Holy Spirit to convict me and hold me accountable. But I know I can take those things before God and make my peace with Him, and thus, have no right to try to judge someone else’s actions.
So at the end of the day, I would rather be a C minus Christian that was honest about myself and the mistakes I’ve made, than an A plus liar. Because, chances are, if you gave yourself that grade, you’re probably not being honest with yourself, or anybody else.

Yours,
Me.