Something is wrong with me. I can't seem to wrap myself entirely around what it is yet. My heart has a heaviness that really seems to have not any one cause. I know that the lack of sunlight always leaves me feeling drained and lethargic, but this is different... I lost my child that I wasn't even expecting two years ago this month, around this time. My wife's continued medical drama is always a constant struggle with my emotional well being. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy.
Desperately I want to be able to enjoy Christmas. In years past, I've been outside putting up decorations and blasting the Bing (on vinyl, of course) as early as November first. This year, however, I can't even bring myself to put up a two foot plastic tree. I have no joy for something that means so much to me. This is a beautiful holiday for me. My entire faith comes down to the reason I celebrate this time of year. If not for Christmas, than the rest of what I believe would be pointless.
My faith is intact. I've never lost that. Without that I would go absolutely crazy. I know that my Father is watching over this mess inside and outside of my life with careful consideration. Am I bitter? Yes. Am I bitter towards God? No. I've taken that path once before and I'll not do it again.
I promise all this "I'm so sad" crap has a point, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this.
There are two main reasons why I am up in the middle of the night writing this blog that no one will read (It's ok. I'm not offended. I do this for my own edification). Reason numero uno: The dogs had to pee. Numero dos, however, is an... interesting... turn of events in my world.
As I was waiting for the dogs to relieve themselves I decided to check my messages to see if anything important had happened when I was sleeping. It had. A good friend of mine from work was telling me about an episode that she had gone through earlier today that was pretty intense for her. I won't go into details because that's not my place, but, long story short, she was terrified and found the solace she was looking for in the exact place she needed it. A good end to an otherwise disastrous situation.
Then I checked my Facebook to see what was going on in my other friend's lives, because I'm nosy and I live vicariously through them. Low and behold, this same friend had posted a status that was wonderful. She gave thanks and praise to God for giving her the comfort she needed when she needed it most. When she didn't expect to find it, it was right where she looking. I'm happy for her. Truly, honestly happy.
Then I went on to check the status' of my other friends to find something that was the complete opposite. Again, it's not my place to say who or what was said, all I will say is that it broke my heart. God was not where this person was looking, and because of that, they stopped believing in Him.
That got me thinking, hence the awakeness (yes, I'm aware I made that word up) of the moment. How often do I find myself disappointed that God is not where I was looking for Him? I can't tell you the number of times that I wanted something so badly, see above reference to my unborn child, and it wasn't what God had planned. It's easy to be upset with God, I think, because He doesn't give us what we want. But His promise to His people was that he'd always give us what we need inside of His will. It's easy to see the hardships and strife in our own, and other's, lives and say "God doesn't care about us."But that thought is shallow.
I'm reminded daily that the trials and tribulations that we face have been passed through God's hands with careful consideration. That God won't give us more than we can handle. I see it in the Mother's and Father's of Handicapped or disabled children, I see it every morning in the face of my beautiful wife even when she doesn't feel strong, I see it in my own Mother, I see it in my Mother in Law, I see it in the eyes of our Church secretary, I see it posted all over the desk of the team leader at work, I see it in the heart of a good friend who lost his mother in a car accident and his father to alcohol before he was six, and, even when I feel that i'm at my breaking point, I see it in the mirror. We can either choose (because that's what it really comes down to, what we choose to do with what we have been given)to reject God because we feel that life isn't fair, or trust Him. Trust that He has a purpose for us and our lives. That what He's doing now will later show us what we needed to, and possibly already do, see all along. His will is great, His purpose Holy.
I want to thank you, work friend. I know you didn't intend to spark any insight in my life, that you just wanted to share your story with a friend. Funny how something so negative happened in your life, and through it, it helped me to see the greater picture, huh? That's what I'm talking about. There is a reason for all of this. I'm overjoyed that things turned out so well for us both.
There's nothing new under the sun. I find comfort in knowing that whatever happens in this life, someone else has already been through it and come out stronger. I'm not there yet, but I will be ok. In blackest day, in darkest night.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I Am My Father's Son?
A couple of years ago, at my mother's annual Halloween party, I was approached by a "neighbor" that we've had for several years. The particular "neighbor" in question had been drinking for awhile before I got there and, as you can guess, was pretty inebriated at that point. He stopped me (at this point let me pause to tell you that I really hate speaking to people that are drunk if they're not in my immediate family or a close friend) and he proceeds to tell me, "You know, your father was a hell of a good guy."
To which I reply, "Thank you, I know he was."
Then comes the kicker. Now, I remind you that I knew he was drunk, not to mention he had lost his wife not too long before this incident, but his response still turned my blood cold and made me see red. "How do you know? You barely even knew him, I bet you hardly remember him at all." - remember, drunk, deceased wife, old man- these thoughts saved him from being beaten mercilessly.
Looking back though, I have to wonder how much of what he said is true. I know my father was a good man. He worked hard to provide for his family. He had a great sense of humor and a laugh that would fill up the room... But that's almost all I can remember...
I know that I am my father's son when I look in the mirror. Everyday I see him in the physical being I'm becoming. I know I am my father's son every time I hear a Waylon Jennings song. But I wonder how much of my personal taste are derived just from the desire to have a closer bond with the man I never really got the chance to know deeply.
I never got to have a beer with my Dad. I never got to sing "Mama's Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" with my Dad. I never got to play "Rebel Rouser" with him. He never got to teach me how to drive a stick, how to shave, or even the proper way to shake hands. I had to either learn these things for myself, from my mother (who did a brilliant job raising 3 children, I love you Mom) or from my brother (thanks for the shaving lesson, and the dislocated shoulder, jerk.) or sister.
I only have one picture of my father. Luckily, It's a family portrait taken not too long before he passed. I was sooooooo young. I wish my memory was better than it is. I've all but forgotten the sound of his voice. I can't remember all the songs he used to play for us on guitar on the rare occasion he played. I know there was one about being tickled by a bumble bee or something of the sort were he would do this laugh that I thought was just hilarious. His brother, my uncle, always had a beard or a mustache when I was little. He shaved it off a few years back and when he walked in the room I almost broke down in tears because he looked so much like dad and I'd almost forgotten what he looked like.
I miss my father. I wonder if I really am his son sometimes because of all the things I can't remember. Add to that the fact that every tattoo or piercing I get I know that he would hate. I wonder if I would still be the person I am if he were still here. I know that there would be obvious changes, but overall, I'm curious how big they would be. I wonder often if the person I've become would be a person my father would be proud of. And then I remember, the one memory that I'll cherish as long as my mind will allow me to keep it, I pray I never lose it. One night when I was 7 or 8, my father picked me up from my Scouts meeting. On the way home I told him that I was picked to do something special for the group (I can't remember exactly what it was, I believe it had something to do with refreshments) and I asked him "Are you proud of me."
I may not be able to remember how his voice sounded when he said it, but the words have never left me, never once since that night. He said "Son, no matter what you do, I'll always be proud of you. It doesn't take (Insert scout thingy here) to make me proud of you." I don't know if he knew it at the time, but those words meant more to me than anything.
Am I my father's son? Yes. Undoubtedly.
To which I reply, "Thank you, I know he was."
Then comes the kicker. Now, I remind you that I knew he was drunk, not to mention he had lost his wife not too long before this incident, but his response still turned my blood cold and made me see red. "How do you know? You barely even knew him, I bet you hardly remember him at all." - remember, drunk, deceased wife, old man- these thoughts saved him from being beaten mercilessly.
Looking back though, I have to wonder how much of what he said is true. I know my father was a good man. He worked hard to provide for his family. He had a great sense of humor and a laugh that would fill up the room... But that's almost all I can remember...
I know that I am my father's son when I look in the mirror. Everyday I see him in the physical being I'm becoming. I know I am my father's son every time I hear a Waylon Jennings song. But I wonder how much of my personal taste are derived just from the desire to have a closer bond with the man I never really got the chance to know deeply.
I never got to have a beer with my Dad. I never got to sing "Mama's Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" with my Dad. I never got to play "Rebel Rouser" with him. He never got to teach me how to drive a stick, how to shave, or even the proper way to shake hands. I had to either learn these things for myself, from my mother (who did a brilliant job raising 3 children, I love you Mom) or from my brother (thanks for the shaving lesson, and the dislocated shoulder, jerk.) or sister.
I only have one picture of my father. Luckily, It's a family portrait taken not too long before he passed. I was sooooooo young. I wish my memory was better than it is. I've all but forgotten the sound of his voice. I can't remember all the songs he used to play for us on guitar on the rare occasion he played. I know there was one about being tickled by a bumble bee or something of the sort were he would do this laugh that I thought was just hilarious. His brother, my uncle, always had a beard or a mustache when I was little. He shaved it off a few years back and when he walked in the room I almost broke down in tears because he looked so much like dad and I'd almost forgotten what he looked like.
I miss my father. I wonder if I really am his son sometimes because of all the things I can't remember. Add to that the fact that every tattoo or piercing I get I know that he would hate. I wonder if I would still be the person I am if he were still here. I know that there would be obvious changes, but overall, I'm curious how big they would be. I wonder often if the person I've become would be a person my father would be proud of. And then I remember, the one memory that I'll cherish as long as my mind will allow me to keep it, I pray I never lose it. One night when I was 7 or 8, my father picked me up from my Scouts meeting. On the way home I told him that I was picked to do something special for the group (I can't remember exactly what it was, I believe it had something to do with refreshments) and I asked him "Are you proud of me."
I may not be able to remember how his voice sounded when he said it, but the words have never left me, never once since that night. He said "Son, no matter what you do, I'll always be proud of you. It doesn't take (Insert scout thingy here) to make me proud of you." I don't know if he knew it at the time, but those words meant more to me than anything.
Am I my father's son? Yes. Undoubtedly.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Yoohoo, G.I. Joe and self exploration
So I know that no one really reads this crap without promoting, and that's more than ok with me. You see, I'm not really sure what, if anything, I have to say at this point. I just woke up and I'm feeling incredibly introspective and the only thing I can really do is write about it. And Since my wife is still asleep and needs all the rest she can get after her surgery, playing guitar is not an option. So, here I am. Not really sure why at all.
Lenz is going to have a hysterectomy. I'm ok with that. For years now we've been wanting to have our own child but it just wouldn't happen. After two miscarriages and so many false hopes, we will never have our own child. While this does make me sad, I'm still ok with it. I've asked God from day one to do His will, to heal my wife so see can enjoy her life like she should be able to at this age. She's 24 and has spent the majority of her 20's in chronic pain. No one ever believed her, everyone thought "she might be hurting but she can't hurt that bad, she's just being over dramatic." Well, I hope this finally convinces you that it wasn't just "all in her head." and quite frankly, if you were one of those people, screw you. But, I'm getting off point. The fact is, Lenzey and I talked about adoption before we ever talked about marriage. I think when we found out that we might not ever be able to have our own children, it made us jump into trying so hard to have them that we put adoption on the back burner. Years of trial and tribulation followed. And I tell you this, any parent out there who has suffered the loss of a child and still held onto their faith and hope and survived through it, well, they are some of the strongest people God ever breathed life into. They deserve your respect and admiration. I never knew my children, I hadn't even found out that my children where a reality yet before they were gone. It was utterly heart breaking. I still am destroyed by the loss at times. I can't imagine the pain of the expectation before the loss, not to mention the mothers and fathers out there who have developed a relationship with their children, only to have them taken away by disease or worse. God bless you all.
So pain, worry, pain, stress that almost destroyed our marriage, pain and a little more pain, and then... surrender. Finally we came to the point where we just said "alright God, you have a will for our life, and I'm not sure what it is, but I trust that you know what you're doing and I'm giving this to you. If you want us to have our own children than make it happen, in your time. If not, than please take this desire away from us to have our own and put our hearts where they need to be." and then... relief. I knew God would answer my prayer, but I never expected the sense of total peace about the whole thing.
Then came Lenz pre op. The Dr. tells Lenz that if things look really bad in there then he's going to stop the operation and schedule a hysterectomy by robotic surgery, and that he only recommends those in something like 3% of his patients. Immediately I knew that however this turned out was going to be my answer. If the Dr. didn't think Lenz needed a hysterectomy, then we would try IVF, if he did, we weren't meant to have our own. and I accepted that. and still do.
A few nights later, Lenz came to me and pretty much confirmed what I believed. She told me she was finally "at peace" with the idea of not having our own, that she wanted to surrender for God's will in our life. And if that meant that we were to raise someone else's child in a loving, Christ filled home, then so be it.
I won't lie, sometimes the thought that I won't get to see a child that is the product of Lenz and I in this life still breaks my heart. And don't try to tell me that my children weren't really children yet, if I ever did believe that crap, I would've stopped believing it the second they passed, you can't mourn a death if it was never really alive, and my children where alive. But I believe that my children are waiting for me in the next life. I'm grateful that they never had to feel the anxiety, pain and sense of loss that this world has to offer, that, except for the first few weeks, their every moment of existence has been in the arms of their loving creator. I thank God for that every day. More and more as I read the news headlines.
So, there it is. I had no idea what I was sitting down to write about and I apologize if you do read this and have to shift through the randomness that is my mind... and all the grammatical errors. I hope this in some way helps someone, if not, It helped me know what was really going on inside me, it felt good to get it out.
Yours,
Me
Lenz is going to have a hysterectomy. I'm ok with that. For years now we've been wanting to have our own child but it just wouldn't happen. After two miscarriages and so many false hopes, we will never have our own child. While this does make me sad, I'm still ok with it. I've asked God from day one to do His will, to heal my wife so see can enjoy her life like she should be able to at this age. She's 24 and has spent the majority of her 20's in chronic pain. No one ever believed her, everyone thought "she might be hurting but she can't hurt that bad, she's just being over dramatic." Well, I hope this finally convinces you that it wasn't just "all in her head." and quite frankly, if you were one of those people, screw you. But, I'm getting off point. The fact is, Lenzey and I talked about adoption before we ever talked about marriage. I think when we found out that we might not ever be able to have our own children, it made us jump into trying so hard to have them that we put adoption on the back burner. Years of trial and tribulation followed. And I tell you this, any parent out there who has suffered the loss of a child and still held onto their faith and hope and survived through it, well, they are some of the strongest people God ever breathed life into. They deserve your respect and admiration. I never knew my children, I hadn't even found out that my children where a reality yet before they were gone. It was utterly heart breaking. I still am destroyed by the loss at times. I can't imagine the pain of the expectation before the loss, not to mention the mothers and fathers out there who have developed a relationship with their children, only to have them taken away by disease or worse. God bless you all.
So pain, worry, pain, stress that almost destroyed our marriage, pain and a little more pain, and then... surrender. Finally we came to the point where we just said "alright God, you have a will for our life, and I'm not sure what it is, but I trust that you know what you're doing and I'm giving this to you. If you want us to have our own children than make it happen, in your time. If not, than please take this desire away from us to have our own and put our hearts where they need to be." and then... relief. I knew God would answer my prayer, but I never expected the sense of total peace about the whole thing.
Then came Lenz pre op. The Dr. tells Lenz that if things look really bad in there then he's going to stop the operation and schedule a hysterectomy by robotic surgery, and that he only recommends those in something like 3% of his patients. Immediately I knew that however this turned out was going to be my answer. If the Dr. didn't think Lenz needed a hysterectomy, then we would try IVF, if he did, we weren't meant to have our own. and I accepted that. and still do.
A few nights later, Lenz came to me and pretty much confirmed what I believed. She told me she was finally "at peace" with the idea of not having our own, that she wanted to surrender for God's will in our life. And if that meant that we were to raise someone else's child in a loving, Christ filled home, then so be it.
I won't lie, sometimes the thought that I won't get to see a child that is the product of Lenz and I in this life still breaks my heart. And don't try to tell me that my children weren't really children yet, if I ever did believe that crap, I would've stopped believing it the second they passed, you can't mourn a death if it was never really alive, and my children where alive. But I believe that my children are waiting for me in the next life. I'm grateful that they never had to feel the anxiety, pain and sense of loss that this world has to offer, that, except for the first few weeks, their every moment of existence has been in the arms of their loving creator. I thank God for that every day. More and more as I read the news headlines.
So, there it is. I had no idea what I was sitting down to write about and I apologize if you do read this and have to shift through the randomness that is my mind... and all the grammatical errors. I hope this in some way helps someone, if not, It helped me know what was really going on inside me, it felt good to get it out.
Yours,
Me
Friday, July 23, 2010
hanging out with prostitutes
This was posted on Ethan Luck's web page earlier. Ethan is the drummer for Relient K, and one of my personal music heros. I think this needed to be said and jumped at the chance to maybe let people who wouldn't normally read it to be able to. Sorry It's all slammed together, I posted it from my phone. If you wanna check it out on It's original page, check out ethanluck.com. so, here it is.
I thought You Guys Were Christians! Filed under: Uncategorized — Ethan @ 2:18 pm July 23, 2010 It’s not often that I post something on my blog that will spark deep discussion or debate. As you know, most of what I post here is related to music and photography, because thats what I do! I have been reading a bunch of comments on my band’s facebook page regarding our upcoming show with The Gay Blades in NYC. It really sickens me that there are so many people who instantly think, that because of their band name, we are SO wrong and “not Christian” for playing with them. Let me show you some of the comments we have been getting, this is just the tip of the iceberg…“What happened to Christian music? These guys certainly arent setting the example I had come to expect from Reliant K. Very dissappointing.”“I thought that You guys are Christians? are you serious? Gay Blades? WTH!!!”“I love Relient K and your ministry but even the name Gay Blades makes me worry if I should continue to let my three teenage kids listen to your music.”“Ewww, gays…. Oh well, you guys just make sure to totally show them up, that’ll teach the gays to ruin a concert”(That last comment really made me sick.) Ok, I think thats enough. Sickening, isn’t it? I am constantly blown away by the comments and thoughts of people who claim to believe in the same God I do. Are The Gay Blades gay? I don’t know. Do I care? Nope. Would these people have a problem if we were playing with The Happy Blades? (Def. of Gay – Cheery, Bright & Pleasant). Regardless of someone’s sexual orientation, color, background, religion, financial status…(the list goes on), I don’t care about those things. The one thing I do care about? The person. It’s funny that all the stories of Jesus spending time with the tax collectors, prostitutes and low life’s is so often overlooked. I guess Jesus must have set a bad example by associating with those people, right? What was he thinking?! Haha. Christianity, today, has become SO sheltered. I have all sorts of friends who people would think I’m crazy or wrong for hanging out with. Yes, I even have friends who are gay, who often treat me with more respect that some Christians I have encountered. One of my good friends, who I ride scooters with, is an Atheist. Yes, an Atheist. We have had multiple discussions about God and religion and I’m sure the same people from the comments above would be “disappointed” that I even share the same air with him. He is well educated on multiple beliefs and has chosen not to believe any of them. So, do I stop being a friend to him? Never! He has been a great friend to me and I would take a bullet for him. I will continue to treat him like I believe Jesus would, with love and respect. To me, that speaks louder than words in my experiences touring the country for the last 13 years. Ok, back to the current issue. So what if we play shows with “Non Christian” bands. I remember getting crap from people for being on Warped Tour, 2 years ago. Almost every day on that tour, I chose to hang out with bands and crew guys who I knew didn’t believe the same as me. Why would you do that, Ethan?! Re-read the comments above. Thats why. It’s comments like that that give the rest of us a bad name and make me sick. So, in conclusion, I am looking forward to our show with The Gay Blades in NYC! I’m sure those dudes are really cool and I know they are a great band from what I have listened to online. Regardless of their beliefs, I will show them the utmost respect and love. If you choose to leave a comment, please keep it respectful and mature. 07/29/10 The Gramercy Theater, NYC Relient K The Cheery, Bright & Pleasant Blades The Narrative Comments
I thought You Guys Were Christians! Filed under: Uncategorized — Ethan @ 2:18 pm July 23, 2010 It’s not often that I post something on my blog that will spark deep discussion or debate. As you know, most of what I post here is related to music and photography, because thats what I do! I have been reading a bunch of comments on my band’s facebook page regarding our upcoming show with The Gay Blades in NYC. It really sickens me that there are so many people who instantly think, that because of their band name, we are SO wrong and “not Christian” for playing with them. Let me show you some of the comments we have been getting, this is just the tip of the iceberg…“What happened to Christian music? These guys certainly arent setting the example I had come to expect from Reliant K. Very dissappointing.”“I thought that You guys are Christians? are you serious? Gay Blades? WTH!!!”“I love Relient K and your ministry but even the name Gay Blades makes me worry if I should continue to let my three teenage kids listen to your music.”“Ewww, gays…. Oh well, you guys just make sure to totally show them up, that’ll teach the gays to ruin a concert”(That last comment really made me sick.) Ok, I think thats enough. Sickening, isn’t it? I am constantly blown away by the comments and thoughts of people who claim to believe in the same God I do. Are The Gay Blades gay? I don’t know. Do I care? Nope. Would these people have a problem if we were playing with The Happy Blades? (Def. of Gay – Cheery, Bright & Pleasant). Regardless of someone’s sexual orientation, color, background, religion, financial status…(the list goes on), I don’t care about those things. The one thing I do care about? The person. It’s funny that all the stories of Jesus spending time with the tax collectors, prostitutes and low life’s is so often overlooked. I guess Jesus must have set a bad example by associating with those people, right? What was he thinking?! Haha. Christianity, today, has become SO sheltered. I have all sorts of friends who people would think I’m crazy or wrong for hanging out with. Yes, I even have friends who are gay, who often treat me with more respect that some Christians I have encountered. One of my good friends, who I ride scooters with, is an Atheist. Yes, an Atheist. We have had multiple discussions about God and religion and I’m sure the same people from the comments above would be “disappointed” that I even share the same air with him. He is well educated on multiple beliefs and has chosen not to believe any of them. So, do I stop being a friend to him? Never! He has been a great friend to me and I would take a bullet for him. I will continue to treat him like I believe Jesus would, with love and respect. To me, that speaks louder than words in my experiences touring the country for the last 13 years. Ok, back to the current issue. So what if we play shows with “Non Christian” bands. I remember getting crap from people for being on Warped Tour, 2 years ago. Almost every day on that tour, I chose to hang out with bands and crew guys who I knew didn’t believe the same as me. Why would you do that, Ethan?! Re-read the comments above. Thats why. It’s comments like that that give the rest of us a bad name and make me sick. So, in conclusion, I am looking forward to our show with The Gay Blades in NYC! I’m sure those dudes are really cool and I know they are a great band from what I have listened to online. Regardless of their beliefs, I will show them the utmost respect and love. If you choose to leave a comment, please keep it respectful and mature. 07/29/10 The Gramercy Theater, NYC Relient K The Cheery, Bright & Pleasant Blades The Narrative Comments
Monday, July 19, 2010
C Minus Christian?
Ok, my first real blog. Chalk full of bad grammar and punctuation.
Johnny Cash once said that he considered himself to be a “C minus Christian”. This got me thinking about what kind of Christian I am, and what kind I would like to be. What kind of grade would I give myself when it all came down to it?
I guess when it really comes down to it, none of us is really the person he/she makes themselves out to be. I know I’m not perfect, but my faith doesn’t rely on my ability to be so. The same free will that was given to Adam was given to me, and, just like Adam, I have decided numerous times that the plan of action that I wanted to take was better than the plan of action God wants me to take. I believe this is where the whole “Not judging others” thing that people love so much to quote really comes into play. I mean, the entire concept of Sin is that we wanted things our way, and consequences be damned. Everyone at one point or another has made the same decision. So what right would we have to judge other people’s sins? I’ll tell you. None. Even though we might have the knowledge that what someone else is doing is wrong, we were just as wrong at one point or another.
Far too often I see, and hear of, these people out on the streets with there Bibles in hand telling people that God hates them for one reason or another. No sign of hope, no option of repentance, just that God hates them and they’re going straight to Hell. All doom and gloom. And, unfortunately, this is the way that most of us Christians are portrayed in the media. Well, I’m here to tell ya folks, God doesn’t hate you, otherwise there wouldn’t be any hope for any of us, and every single person in the history of the world was flawed. Not one single televangelist, Pastor, Priest, Saint or even Billy Graham himself has lived a perfect life. NO ONE!
On top of these doom and glooms, we have the crazy Stephen King Christians that are all Holier than Thou and think that if you don’t follow the same list of rules that they do, you can’t be a Christian. This too, is a ridiculous concept. Not everything is black and white. Granted, a lot of things are, but there’s still plenty of grey area. These people are so focused on the “rules” that they’ve all but lost sight of their relationship with God, which is the single most important aspect of Christianity. Not only do they focus so hard on the “rules”, but they make every attempt to tell you how evil you are for not following their “rules.” You hardly ever hear these people admitting to their personal flaws and often will hear them exploiting other peoples for their own. It Reminds me a lot of the Pharisees praying out loud to and thanking God for not being lowly as the poor around them praying, in order to make themselves look holy.
I have a pretty impressive list of flaws myself. No, I never did drugs and at no point have I ever been unfaithful to my wife, but I do have a mouth like a sailor at times, I did sleep with my wife before we were married, I have drank way too much several times, and the list goes on. For the sake of time and to spare my friends who may have children reading over their shoulders, I’ll stop there. I’m telling these things not so I can be put on a pedestal, but so that I can say I was honest about myself and better make my point. Which is this: I know I’m not a perfect person, but those imperfections are covered through Christ’s blood. Am I ashamed of some of the things I’ve done? Yes, because I have the Holy Spirit to convict me and hold me accountable. But I know I can take those things before God and make my peace with Him, and thus, have no right to try to judge someone else’s actions.
So at the end of the day, I would rather be a C minus Christian that was honest about myself and the mistakes I’ve made, than an A plus liar. Because, chances are, if you gave yourself that grade, you’re probably not being honest with yourself, or anybody else.
Yours,
Me.
Johnny Cash once said that he considered himself to be a “C minus Christian”. This got me thinking about what kind of Christian I am, and what kind I would like to be. What kind of grade would I give myself when it all came down to it?
I guess when it really comes down to it, none of us is really the person he/she makes themselves out to be. I know I’m not perfect, but my faith doesn’t rely on my ability to be so. The same free will that was given to Adam was given to me, and, just like Adam, I have decided numerous times that the plan of action that I wanted to take was better than the plan of action God wants me to take. I believe this is where the whole “Not judging others” thing that people love so much to quote really comes into play. I mean, the entire concept of Sin is that we wanted things our way, and consequences be damned. Everyone at one point or another has made the same decision. So what right would we have to judge other people’s sins? I’ll tell you. None. Even though we might have the knowledge that what someone else is doing is wrong, we were just as wrong at one point or another.
Far too often I see, and hear of, these people out on the streets with there Bibles in hand telling people that God hates them for one reason or another. No sign of hope, no option of repentance, just that God hates them and they’re going straight to Hell. All doom and gloom. And, unfortunately, this is the way that most of us Christians are portrayed in the media. Well, I’m here to tell ya folks, God doesn’t hate you, otherwise there wouldn’t be any hope for any of us, and every single person in the history of the world was flawed. Not one single televangelist, Pastor, Priest, Saint or even Billy Graham himself has lived a perfect life. NO ONE!
On top of these doom and glooms, we have the crazy Stephen King Christians that are all Holier than Thou and think that if you don’t follow the same list of rules that they do, you can’t be a Christian. This too, is a ridiculous concept. Not everything is black and white. Granted, a lot of things are, but there’s still plenty of grey area. These people are so focused on the “rules” that they’ve all but lost sight of their relationship with God, which is the single most important aspect of Christianity. Not only do they focus so hard on the “rules”, but they make every attempt to tell you how evil you are for not following their “rules.” You hardly ever hear these people admitting to their personal flaws and often will hear them exploiting other peoples for their own. It Reminds me a lot of the Pharisees praying out loud to and thanking God for not being lowly as the poor around them praying, in order to make themselves look holy.
I have a pretty impressive list of flaws myself. No, I never did drugs and at no point have I ever been unfaithful to my wife, but I do have a mouth like a sailor at times, I did sleep with my wife before we were married, I have drank way too much several times, and the list goes on. For the sake of time and to spare my friends who may have children reading over their shoulders, I’ll stop there. I’m telling these things not so I can be put on a pedestal, but so that I can say I was honest about myself and better make my point. Which is this: I know I’m not a perfect person, but those imperfections are covered through Christ’s blood. Am I ashamed of some of the things I’ve done? Yes, because I have the Holy Spirit to convict me and hold me accountable. But I know I can take those things before God and make my peace with Him, and thus, have no right to try to judge someone else’s actions.
So at the end of the day, I would rather be a C minus Christian that was honest about myself and the mistakes I’ve made, than an A plus liar. Because, chances are, if you gave yourself that grade, you’re probably not being honest with yourself, or anybody else.
Yours,
Me.
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