So I know that no one really reads this crap without promoting, and that's more than ok with me. You see, I'm not really sure what, if anything, I have to say at this point. I just woke up and I'm feeling incredibly introspective and the only thing I can really do is write about it. And Since my wife is still asleep and needs all the rest she can get after her surgery, playing guitar is not an option. So, here I am. Not really sure why at all.
Lenz is going to have a hysterectomy. I'm ok with that. For years now we've been wanting to have our own child but it just wouldn't happen. After two miscarriages and so many false hopes, we will never have our own child. While this does make me sad, I'm still ok with it. I've asked God from day one to do His will, to heal my wife so see can enjoy her life like she should be able to at this age. She's 24 and has spent the majority of her 20's in chronic pain. No one ever believed her, everyone thought "she might be hurting but she can't hurt that bad, she's just being over dramatic." Well, I hope this finally convinces you that it wasn't just "all in her head." and quite frankly, if you were one of those people, screw you. But, I'm getting off point. The fact is, Lenzey and I talked about adoption before we ever talked about marriage. I think when we found out that we might not ever be able to have our own children, it made us jump into trying so hard to have them that we put adoption on the back burner. Years of trial and tribulation followed. And I tell you this, any parent out there who has suffered the loss of a child and still held onto their faith and hope and survived through it, well, they are some of the strongest people God ever breathed life into. They deserve your respect and admiration. I never knew my children, I hadn't even found out that my children where a reality yet before they were gone. It was utterly heart breaking. I still am destroyed by the loss at times. I can't imagine the pain of the expectation before the loss, not to mention the mothers and fathers out there who have developed a relationship with their children, only to have them taken away by disease or worse. God bless you all.
So pain, worry, pain, stress that almost destroyed our marriage, pain and a little more pain, and then... surrender. Finally we came to the point where we just said "alright God, you have a will for our life, and I'm not sure what it is, but I trust that you know what you're doing and I'm giving this to you. If you want us to have our own children than make it happen, in your time. If not, than please take this desire away from us to have our own and put our hearts where they need to be." and then... relief. I knew God would answer my prayer, but I never expected the sense of total peace about the whole thing.
Then came Lenz pre op. The Dr. tells Lenz that if things look really bad in there then he's going to stop the operation and schedule a hysterectomy by robotic surgery, and that he only recommends those in something like 3% of his patients. Immediately I knew that however this turned out was going to be my answer. If the Dr. didn't think Lenz needed a hysterectomy, then we would try IVF, if he did, we weren't meant to have our own. and I accepted that. and still do.
A few nights later, Lenz came to me and pretty much confirmed what I believed. She told me she was finally "at peace" with the idea of not having our own, that she wanted to surrender for God's will in our life. And if that meant that we were to raise someone else's child in a loving, Christ filled home, then so be it.
I won't lie, sometimes the thought that I won't get to see a child that is the product of Lenz and I in this life still breaks my heart. And don't try to tell me that my children weren't really children yet, if I ever did believe that crap, I would've stopped believing it the second they passed, you can't mourn a death if it was never really alive, and my children where alive. But I believe that my children are waiting for me in the next life. I'm grateful that they never had to feel the anxiety, pain and sense of loss that this world has to offer, that, except for the first few weeks, their every moment of existence has been in the arms of their loving creator. I thank God for that every day. More and more as I read the news headlines.
So, there it is. I had no idea what I was sitting down to write about and I apologize if you do read this and have to shift through the randomness that is my mind... and all the grammatical errors. I hope this in some way helps someone, if not, It helped me know what was really going on inside me, it felt good to get it out.
Yours,
Me
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