Something is wrong with me. I can't seem to wrap myself entirely around what it is yet. My heart has a heaviness that really seems to have not any one cause. I know that the lack of sunlight always leaves me feeling drained and lethargic, but this is different... I lost my child that I wasn't even expecting two years ago this month, around this time. My wife's continued medical drama is always a constant struggle with my emotional well being. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy.
Desperately I want to be able to enjoy Christmas. In years past, I've been outside putting up decorations and blasting the Bing (on vinyl, of course) as early as November first. This year, however, I can't even bring myself to put up a two foot plastic tree. I have no joy for something that means so much to me. This is a beautiful holiday for me. My entire faith comes down to the reason I celebrate this time of year. If not for Christmas, than the rest of what I believe would be pointless.
My faith is intact. I've never lost that. Without that I would go absolutely crazy. I know that my Father is watching over this mess inside and outside of my life with careful consideration. Am I bitter? Yes. Am I bitter towards God? No. I've taken that path once before and I'll not do it again.
I promise all this "I'm so sad" crap has a point, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this.
There are two main reasons why I am up in the middle of the night writing this blog that no one will read (It's ok. I'm not offended. I do this for my own edification). Reason numero uno: The dogs had to pee. Numero dos, however, is an... interesting... turn of events in my world.
As I was waiting for the dogs to relieve themselves I decided to check my messages to see if anything important had happened when I was sleeping. It had. A good friend of mine from work was telling me about an episode that she had gone through earlier today that was pretty intense for her. I won't go into details because that's not my place, but, long story short, she was terrified and found the solace she was looking for in the exact place she needed it. A good end to an otherwise disastrous situation.
Then I checked my Facebook to see what was going on in my other friend's lives, because I'm nosy and I live vicariously through them. Low and behold, this same friend had posted a status that was wonderful. She gave thanks and praise to God for giving her the comfort she needed when she needed it most. When she didn't expect to find it, it was right where she looking. I'm happy for her. Truly, honestly happy.
Then I went on to check the status' of my other friends to find something that was the complete opposite. Again, it's not my place to say who or what was said, all I will say is that it broke my heart. God was not where this person was looking, and because of that, they stopped believing in Him.
That got me thinking, hence the awakeness (yes, I'm aware I made that word up) of the moment. How often do I find myself disappointed that God is not where I was looking for Him? I can't tell you the number of times that I wanted something so badly, see above reference to my unborn child, and it wasn't what God had planned. It's easy to be upset with God, I think, because He doesn't give us what we want. But His promise to His people was that he'd always give us what we need inside of His will. It's easy to see the hardships and strife in our own, and other's, lives and say "God doesn't care about us."But that thought is shallow.
I'm reminded daily that the trials and tribulations that we face have been passed through God's hands with careful consideration. That God won't give us more than we can handle. I see it in the Mother's and Father's of Handicapped or disabled children, I see it every morning in the face of my beautiful wife even when she doesn't feel strong, I see it in my own Mother, I see it in my Mother in Law, I see it in the eyes of our Church secretary, I see it posted all over the desk of the team leader at work, I see it in the heart of a good friend who lost his mother in a car accident and his father to alcohol before he was six, and, even when I feel that i'm at my breaking point, I see it in the mirror. We can either choose (because that's what it really comes down to, what we choose to do with what we have been given)to reject God because we feel that life isn't fair, or trust Him. Trust that He has a purpose for us and our lives. That what He's doing now will later show us what we needed to, and possibly already do, see all along. His will is great, His purpose Holy.
I want to thank you, work friend. I know you didn't intend to spark any insight in my life, that you just wanted to share your story with a friend. Funny how something so negative happened in your life, and through it, it helped me to see the greater picture, huh? That's what I'm talking about. There is a reason for all of this. I'm overjoyed that things turned out so well for us both.
There's nothing new under the sun. I find comfort in knowing that whatever happens in this life, someone else has already been through it and come out stronger. I'm not there yet, but I will be ok. In blackest day, in darkest night.
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